Bed Intruder
by queenofthelooneybin
Summary: An extreme crack-fic about a certain YouTube sensation coming into the BAU. Hint: hide yo kids, hide yo wife


It was a normal day down at the BAU's headquarters.

Reid was holding onto a small bucket of coffee, chattering about something no one cared about. Emily sat on her desk, right by him, pretending to care while she fantasized about tearing off his clothes and doing things UNSUBs did to their victims. Morgan and Garcia were at his desk, watching videos on YouPorn that would make any sane person's hair fall out in horror. Morgan was taking notes, and Garcia's face was a mask of something between lust and shock. Hotch was in his office, punching a bag that had Strauss' face on it. JJ was home with her baby and fiancé, working quite loudly on making another one. And Rossi is somewhere, but no one cares about him.

"The taco predates the arrival of Europeans in Mexico. There is anthropological evidence that the indigenous people living in the lake region of the Valley of Mexico traditionally ate tacos filled with small fish. Writing at the time of the Spanish conquistadors, Bernal Díaz del Castillo documented the first taco feast enjoyed by Europeans, a meal which Hernán Cortés arranged for his captains in Coyoacán. It is not clear why the Spanish used their word, "taco", to describe this indigenous food," Reid babbled. Emily stared at his groin and imagined tying him to a swing and climbing on top of him with a bottle of chocolate sauce.

A loud moan ripped through the BAU headquarters. Emily and Reid looked up. Emily rolled her eyes and got out her cell and hit a number on her speed dial. "JJ, can you keep it down? I'm trying to listen to Reid talk about…uh…"

"Tacos," Reid kicked in.

"Yeah, tacos!" Emily said. "Really? I didn't even know you could get those in the US. Keep on going. Just get the ball gag."

As Emily hung up, Reid went back to his rambling: "Beginning from the early part of the twentieth century, various styles of tacos have become popular in the United States and Canada. The style that has become most common is the hard-shell, U-shaped version first described in a cookbook authored by Fabiola Cabeza de Vaca Gilbert and published in Santa Fe, New Mexico in 1949. These have been sold by restaurants and by fast food chains. Even non-Mexican oriented fast food restaurants have sold tacos-."

He was cut off by a loud "EXCUSE ME!"

Everyone turned around to see man standing in their bullpen (how did he get past security?) He was African-American, and wore a red bandanna with black hair puffing out black, a black wife-beater and white pants.

"Uh, can we help you?" Emily asked.

"I hope you can!" the man yelled. "Obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbing in your windows, snatching your people up! So y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands cause they raping EVERYBODY OUT HERE!"

Without a doubt, this was the most…creative ask for help any of them had ever seen. Morgan got up and went over to the man.

"Uh…can you tell us your name?" he asked.

"Antoine Dodson," the man said proudly. "Last week my sister was raped by some idiot from the projects!"

"I'm sorry to hear that," Morgan said. "How about you come into this office and tell me about it." They went in and the rest could hear the man yelling.

"He left fingerprints and his tee-shirt. He is so dumb, he is really dumb! For real!"

Then he opened the window and yelled "YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME AND CONFESS, WE LOOKIN' FOR YOU, WE GONNA FIND YOU! SO YOU CAN RUN AND TELL THAT...HOMEBOY!"

Morgan put his head in his hands. "Uh, Mr. Dodson...we would actually like if he came and confessed."

Hotch came out of his office, sweating and dragging the punching bag. "What the hell is going on?"

"I don't know," Reid said.

"Finally!" A very bruised Rossi poked his head out of the punching bag.

xxx

Sorry if its...yeah. This is the result of watching the video way too many times. For those of you who don't get this, youtube Antoine Dodson Bed Intruder. You'll laugh even more!


End file.
